It's funny how we change at the drop of a hat. How one day we wake up, and nothing is the same. I don't understand that. But here comes the hard part... Everyone else is changing around you, you see them morphing right before your eyes. Do you follow their lead and change, too? Or do you hold your ground, keep your values, get left behind? Nobody wants to get left behind... It's not so much peer pressure as it is a love of the past. An other question... Is this really my past? I want to feel so badly that they aren't my past. That they are my present, my future, my eternity. But right now, I must miserably accept, that maybe, just maybe, they are my past. And if this is the case, then I should probably move on quickly, I don't have time to dwell in even my own pain. No time for crying.... Are you really my past? Should I consider you gone? Must I close the book on us? I guess we did have a good run... It's harder than I thought...

If this is the way you treat the ones you love, then I'd hate to see how you treat the ones you dont... And I thought you were precious. I admired you, respected you, followed you, adored you, accepted your flaws and forgave your horrible mistakes. I loved you. I let you go. I LET YOU GO.

To kids at mac: I love you. Don't ever think any less than that. Even if you move on and we drift apart, you will always be my babies, and I like that. I miss you.

For Hannah R... *silence for 3 seconds...* OK THIS IS AKWARD!!!

current mood: forgiving, letting go.

It's one of those nights and I feel like crying. I hope they can't see my pain. They never see my pain. And for the first time, it's a good thing...right?

      Somebody's got to care. But this is reality. Reality is an vain, egotistical, slut.

current mood: fuck off

I just want someone to care. I care. I care so much. Everyone knows I care. I try so hard. Why do I try so hard? No one else trys so hard. But I try so hard. I wish so hard. Everyone wishes so hard. But nobody does anything. I dont do anything. You dont do anything. He doesnt do anything. She doesnt do anything. We are all sitting back, wishing so hard. Jayne, dont wish so hard. "But I love the stars" Well love the stars. "But I wish upon the stars" Well then love the stars, and wish upon your heart. Hope. Hope upon your heart. Care so much. Love so hard. But dont wish. Wishing is a lie. You're a lie. Im a lie. We're a lie. They're a lie. It's a lie... Live the fucking lie. Dont let it get to you, Jayne. You cant let go of this. "I know" It's not going to go away. "I know."...

                 ...What do you want to do about it? "Live it. Love it. Embrace it. Hope it. Free it. and Cry." ...

...Dont let go. Dont forget. Dont hold on. Dont. "Oh. Heal it, please?" No. Nothing is ever healed. "I want it fixed." I cant fix it. I can tranquilize it. Nothing is ever fixed, less is healed, but life is tranquilzed, medicated, lied to. "I dont believe in tranquilization... If it isnt healed, if it isnt fixed, if it isnt great, then I dont want it. If it isnt happy, then I quit." You cant quit. "I know." Then why do you try so hard, Jayne? When you know you cant quit...

           ..."I try because I care. I try because I love. I try because I hope." But you always fail. Why do you always fail?...

                               "I fail because I care. I fail because I love. I fail because I hope."

If you want to be free, then fly. Fly. If this cage is too small for you, then fly. Fly.  If I am holding you back, then run. Run. If I am holding you down, then leap. Leap. But if I am holding you safe, if I am holding you beautiful, if I am holding you happy, then love. Love. If I am holding you, then let me hold you. If you are holding me, then hold me tighter. Because Im falling. And Im crashing down. And Im breaking every bone in my body. If I am loving you, then let me love you. If you are loving me, then just love me. I cant read minds. I cant tell what the world is thinking. If I am loved, I have to be told, it has to be proved. They say you should never have to prove your love, but that is not in our nature. We believe what we see, and when we cannot see it, we fret, and when i fret, i fall. Love me. Dont leave me. Hold me. Dont let me go. Know me. And let me know you...

                   ... Dont let me run. Im too weak to run. Im too weak. Weak. running hurts.

...Leave it at the altar. He will take it. He will make it good. He will make you good. He will make life good. he will make love good. He is good. Love good. Love Him. Love. Let. The. Fuck. Go...

Leave the flaws at the altar, embrace the good, the great, the perfect. Embrace the love. Embrace the hate. Embrace the pain. Embrace the laughter. Embrace the hurt and the smiles. Embrace it all. Keep what you love. Leave what you shouldnt. The altar is base in this game that we play. There may be no times, and if you quit, you're out forever, but the altar is safe. Leave it at base and the world will shed a tear of joy. Leave it at the altar for peace. Peace on earth, peace in family, peace with him, peace with her, peace with you, peace with them, and peace within....Embrace the peace within...

Letting go doesnt always mean letting go...

              -Loves...

current mood: I'm rough around the edges

                ...Let the distace begin... keeping in touch is a lot harder than it may seem. but i appreciate the lack of effort. but i've tried just as much. so i'm prety much crap. everything's pretty much crap. thanks crap.

Not looking forward to this year. gonna suck ass. i'm stoked. yeh.

I wanna go ride my bike. but i dont wanna ride alone. it's nice outside today. wanna ride with me?

current mood: i wanna go on a bike ride.

I hate it as much as everyone else... summer basicly over.

So I have actually done a lot in the past week or so. I'm surprised. Last night I spent the night at Tessa's house with Hannah R and it was pretty sweet. hah.
-Waiting for Chris for EVER! and him never showing up. yeah sucked.
-Jumping on the trampolien with bras
-Hannah's seat bounce things
-The brownies and my spatula
-Ringtones for Charles
-Earth Mama going down...
-That Tim guy having the bad day. Poor guy.
-The party at Wade's house
-The lack of parking because of Wade's party
-The Jared (?) guy. He was pretty cool. Love how he just disapeared down the street.
-Sitting in the street for just about forever.
-Those guys on the porch with the fun drink
-Road trip. funny movie.
Having a total blast without alcohol. ugh. I hate chris.

So then we woke up and got Tessa's bike. (She doesn't know how to open a garage!) Rode to my house. Lisa picked us and the bikes up to go to Hannah's. We loaded the bikes in the back and tied them down with a broken hanger, a shoe string, and some red ribbon for decoration. Talk about Mexican. We were so amazing. We yelled at like EVERYONE on the street. I love you I love you I love you I love you. It was muy divertido. So from Hannah's house we went to barton springs. Emily and Hannah O met us after a bit. Hung out with Hannah's speakers blasting Rocky Horror music. Amazing. Yes. Tessa, Hannah R, and I rode back to my house. Tessa went another way and her bike broke. Really crappy. We would have gone back to help her, but we don't have a phone and couldn't see her. :-( . So, yeah. Saw Preston at snow beach on the way back. Unexpected. I really miss that guy's hugs right now. I could really use a hug. SO that was my day. Oh and I came home and took a short shower and read the rest of "Life Of Pi" and I love the ending. It is satisfying too. I hate bad endings and this was really good. I actually liked the whole book. I might just be retarded though, because everyone else is complaining of hating it. I thought it was super clever. Oh well, I'm just a dork.

So I'm not going to fuck up this year, OK? Keep me on track? Thanks. I am also doing rowing. Yeah. I'm pretty excited. I hope I like it.

I really miss Tyler. I love him. I really really miss him. Ugh.

I don't know about Derek. I pretty much hate him in my mind, but I don't know if I should. I am sort of making assumptions of some things, but I don't know if they are true or not. If they aren't then I'm not sure if I like him anyways. Dr. Zedes was like I think I know why you have liked this one guy for so long. So I asked why, just to humor him (because usually he isnt so right, but sort of is... idk) he was like, well maybe you didn't like him so much from the begining. And, now, I don't know if I like him. Dr. Zedes is a butt head. Always making me think about these things too deeply! I blame him for my anxiety. (not really, I blame my mom. hah just kidding.)

So I really want to move upstairs. I like it a lot. It is amazing in the rain. The only down side is that the trees rub against the roof and it makes this super terrifying noise, but I could get used to it. Ugh. I need my own room.

Lets not be sad this year. Lets make it fun. Lets... everything.

I have been very not myself with two things lately: 1) I am getting into the water at the springs. I actually get in. I don't have to be pushed. I also don't have to be yelled at. I still don't like the sea weed though. Yucky. But I get in and I stay in. 2) I am doubting love. I don't know how to explain it, but I blame Derek. He makes me doubt love sometimes. And I do and I am and I hate it and he needs to die. Right now. And no, I don't think that is too extreme. I hate boys.

...still hates boys!

so school is starting in 3 days... I don't want to loose my friends. I know I will NEVER lose them, but still, that distance feels like a loss sometimes. I don't like coping with change. We need to have a dedicated OC gathering every week for the OC. And we need to have like get-togethers that are planned and such, just to make sure you don't slip away from me! Mk? Because you all know I would die! Hula Hut monday night? I really wanna go. End the summer with bang.

current mood: doubting love...

I really want this, but I don't want to get hurt again. I know you have to take risks in order to see what is gonna happen, but, I'm scared. I don't know. Mleh. Usually I have some sort of idea about everything. I usually have a plan for everything in the VERY back of my mind. But with this, with this I am so lost. I can't even imagine what might happen, and I don't like that. I'm not big on surprises or suspense. No. No. Hmm. I want to ask for help, but no one else knows what is going to happen either. Damnit. Why are none of my friends psycics?? Worthless. hah. I need help. I really need help with this. I love him. But, I don't know, there's something about it or him or something, and it really scares me. I don't know how to explain it. I just worry about a lot of stuff, and I don't know what to do about it. How do I know that I really like him? That it's really worth the risk? Being hurt sucks ass, and I don't want it to happen again, especially from the same person. I am just lost with this. I want a hug.

I don't want to go through something that I might regret, But I also don't want to miss anything. I don't know what to do!!!

current mood: worried

Why do they even let my friends out of the house? I'm not kidding. Every one of you needs to be in a mental institution. Maybe not Claire, she is pretty human seeming. Last night, I spent the night at Hannah O's, and right when I got there, the retarded-ness started. We were downstairs, listening to a celtic rhythms cd from Ireland, and I asked Em why she wasn't dancing. She responded with, "I am" and then started dancing. So me and Hannah start clapping along, sort of becoming a percussion group with Emily as our dancer. By the end of about 3 songs, Emily was sweating as she did an elaborate jig around the floor and my legs were hot from hitting them with jeans on, and Hannah's legs were "bleeding." By the end of the 5th song, Emily was out of breath, sweaty, and could barely dance anymore; Hannah had joined Emily in the dancing (they had a sort of dance-off/contest), she was sweaty, etc.; I had not joined in dancing, but my legs were on fire, and my hands were bright red, and I was out of breath from laughing at them. It was absolutly incredible. Then I was complaining about how I needed icecream so we went to get some for me. We were just sitting in the kitchen and we started talking and talking and talking. We probably talked for two or three hours just sitting there. We talked about serious things, such as how Emily is going to get raped at barton springs and me and Hannah are going to put it on her grave stone saying "I told you so" and do the I-told-you-so dance over it. Then we talked about guys a little more kind of, and then they went off into their own little world talking about some cartoon that sounded fucking hilarious, then I had to appoligize to Scouty for kicking her (I didn't kick her! I started to, then i slowed down right before her, and my toe touched her butt and she jumped and Hannah, being the over pretective owner that she is, yelled at me and made me say I was sorry! she's a goose) Hannah is going to be such a good mom. She doesn't think so, but she will be. She has this really scary power over everyone. Like this look of "if you do that again i swear you will die!" and it is terrifying. Like, Emily would make a loud noise and hannah would be like "Emily!" and she would just start appoligizing. Or she would just glare at her and Emily would be like," Im sorry im sorry i wont do it again sorry." and it is hilarious. I love those girls. I miss them. And i totally took summer for granted and didn't spend every moment with them. Now, school is going to start in TWO WEEKS and then I won't see them much. I know they live right down the street and I could walk to their house any time I wanted, but it is just so much harder to get everyone together. I don't know. Something is going to have to change so that we can have some time together. We will make it work this year.

By the way, the RR Express game was fantastic. I don't know if we won or not, but it was just super fun! I can't take Lara anywhere without 800 guys asking her how old she is, telling her she's hot, or asking for her number! I am so jealous, but it's fun to watch their expressions when she says she's only 14. I love that girl to death. We were upset in the begining when we heard that Bryant Josh and Taylor weren't gonna go, but now, I am so glad that they didn't. We met so many guys, and some were cool, and others... well others were something else. Fun though. Fun Fun Fun.

***If you could have chosen your own first name, other than your current one, what would it be?***

Everybody looks so happy. It makes me happy. You make me happy. I like being happy. Being happy makes me smile. You make me smile. Everybody makes me smile. Everybody is smiling. Lets make this a catch 22. I will make you happy. You will be happy because I am happy. I will be happy because you are happy. Let's not break the chain. Mk? MK!

I love you, kids. A lot. Kiss. Kiss. KISS.

current mood: thinking

You all mean so much to me. I can't even put into words how amazing you are. Every one of you have been with me through everything, and I truely appreciate that. I miss you all dearly, and can't wait to see you, Hannah, tonight for the game. I hope it totally rocks. Everyone else we need to get together because I don't think i can live much longer without you. Claire would you just hurry your little butt back from NY, they don't need you as much as I do. And Tessa, what is there to do in Indiana? NOTHING! That is why you need to be here, with me! Emily, I know you are here somewhere, but for some reason I still don't see you, why is that? It needs to change. And Hannah (R), why didn't you steal that car today, I was expecting you! Haha. I love you all very much. Very very much. Oh so much. Heh. Kiss.

current mood: ecstatic

Yeah, you are beautiful, but you don't mean a thing to me. No you don't mean a thing to me.

I think a storm is comming. I just saw lightning and heard a super loud thunder. I am really in the mood to write, but I don't have anything but gossip on him on my mind. I can only write when it rains so hopefully it will rain loudly.

I am really missing ASP right now. I hate these nights being home. I want to be older and have more freedom and a car. I love the leniancy of ASP. And the innocience of the night. Catching fireflies, football in the dark, being tacked numerous times by Augustus, who I was sure hated me, making random friends and talking for hours, ice cream before bed every night, talking about trucks, being one of the guys, spades tournaments, learning to understand the Kentucky accent, hearing about all of Roger's animals, Roger in general, flirting with everyone without meaning anything by it, countless misquito bites, watching the stars at night, fireworks from the gym windows, sleeping in the bleacher areas, listening in as Taylor talked to his girlfriend on the phone as Bryant beat me up and tried to spit toothpaste on me, all the pointless fights with Bryant, watching ultimate frisbee and basketball all day, joking about Starla's new boyfriend, meeting the staffers, paint wars with Taylor's dad, the simple and comfortable worship songs, and getting closer to the guys and a few girls that I have known for years but never truely known. Why do we ever have to go home? Why can't we just live under the stars, as children forever, happily ever after, in Kentucky? Talk about perfect.

At MYF tonight we did absolutly nothing. It was really a great time. We walked down to sonic and then came back and were going to watch brat camp but the reception on the TV wasn't very good so me and Lara played volleyball with Wade and "Colter." Haha. We also took a van tour through my neighborhood and it was super great. I also played with the football with Zack the intern and I was better than him. I think I have really gotton the spiral thing down. I am really proud of myself. I miss the football on the beach with Hannah, though. Even though it is nice to throw the ball and not be splashed by a random guy (David) when you're trying to catch it. But the down side of playing on a basketball court is that if the ball is thrown to the side of you, there is no water to break your fall if you stupidly decide to dive for it. hehe.

So I have been reassured that liking him is not a mistake, and that makes me feel better. I have also decided not to get my hopes up because getting hurt is not what I need right now and that I should be very careful. I wonder how all of this is going to work out in the very end. I guess I won't be too disapointed either way. I guess we'll just have to see.

So many people have told me that I look like I have lost weight, but I still weigh the same. I don't understand that. I guess it is good that I am skinnier, but I don't know. I still want to be skinnier. I need to be skinnier. bleh.

If I really sat down and did pros and cons on my life right now, I would have so many more pros that cons, I think. And if this is true, and I am happy, then why am I in such a crap mood? I shouldn't be. My family isnt being as shit as usual, my friends are around, I went to church tonight and saw some kids I missed, Derek..., apparently I'm skinny. I don't know what is left to really complain about. I mean,  I could sit here all day and nit pick, but generally, things are really, surprisingly great. Why do I not feel great? I think I'm broken. Does anyone know how to fix me?

Oh, FYI Emily, we are cheering for the Jeffery's guys very very soon. It is going to be sooo amazing. It might be even more fun if we had a tiny bit of alcohol in our systems, eh? We should try and make that work. Also I really want to smoke with y'all if we get the chance. At least once before summer ends. I love you, girlie.

I think my mopeing and bitching is really getting on my family's nerves so I'm just gonna go to bed.

"I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking
As we moved together in the dark.
And all the friends that I was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite I gave you left a mark.
Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did I that day..."

Ya know, sometimes, I think I love you. Other times, I know I don't. And sometimes, on nights like tonight, as I listen to the rain fall in the distance, I know, for sure, that I really do love you, and that my heart will belong to you forever. And some people might be too ignorant and might disagree with my use of the word love. Might say that I am too young to really know what it is, but who cares what they think. For now, I love you, and only you, and as long as you have any room whatsoever for me in your heart or life, I am yours, and only yours.

"Love can be so silly."

If you could do one thing before you died, what would that one thing be? I know mine. Everyone answer. hehe. I'm going to start asking random questions like that on here, and hopefully everyone will answer to make me feel loved!

current mood: unwanted and somehow loved...?

So I got back from Beach Bash last night. I had my doubts about going, but it was truely worth it. Those Lutherans are pretty neat people. Let me tell you about it...

So on wednesday night I went to Hannah's dad's house and we hung out. To be specific, we ate a whole bag of those sour thingies, watched some TV, tried on all my clothes that I was taking on beach bash, dressed me in a dress that was way to small and looked to be a hundred and ten years old, and the spectacular ending of me sleeping in a hamock after sitting in the kitchen sink while wearing a HUGE sombrero with hannah's hair up really messy-like (similar to a pomeranian) while we wrote John an intense e-mail. It was incredible. I will most likely never get another chance to use the computer in a sink in the rest of my entire life! "...and I don't want things to get lame and expected!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Hannah! You sound like you're yelling at him! (yells out angrily) LAME AND EXPECTED!!!!" haha that was amazing. Oh, also. "board.... borde....BORED" "Yeah, Hannah, he's long plank of wood..." oh man. I love hanging out with that girl. You just never know what might happen.

So on thursday we woke up at 5:30 or 6:00 to be at the church at 6:30. Yeah, not so fun. So we got on the bus, that was fun, I don't remeber anything too interesting from that. Oh, Philip was on the trip! He is so great. I met him a while back ice skating, and he remembered me which was awesome, and I dont know, it was very very great.

We got there and because of the hurricane, we got condos instead of hotel rooms (definatly not complaining). We had 11 people in the room and it was a little difficult to find enough bedding for everyone but was figured out nicely in the end. The up sides of the room consisted of:
                    -The blinds on the balcony door that wouldn't open.
                    -The almost not having enough room for everyone to sleep.
                    -The difficulty of opening the door to the room. It took forever.
                    -The fact that we had ants... Yeah. Fun? Not so much.
                    -There was a hole in the wall of the bathroom. Not a small hole... like, larger than a 
                     head. It was great.

I am having trouble rembering any order of anything that happend so I'm just going to list random things:

-Totally balled at a pointless game we played on the beach. Hannah, Jojo, and I were like the only girls that were really getting into it. I scored so much with the football. It sucked though because the guys woudln't tackle us because we were girls so they picked me up and moved me instead. It was just annoying to have to start all over again once they let go. Ugh.
-Played with the football on the beach the whole time with Hannah. We started out with a little nerf ball and ended up with like a NFL sized monster football. It was so great. We were doing all these throw dives in the water. Completed my life. We were actually getting really good with throwing the monstrosity in the end. I loved it.
-Met this blonde guy, don't remember his name at all, but he was 19 and he was the only one who tried to get us to go to our room at night. We gave him such a hard time, too, that at the end he called us the troublesome ones. He was awesome though. he was just talking to us about all he's done and such. We were sitting by the beach and he said that he was gonna drag us up to the room so we asked what he would do if we ran, and he said that he would have us on the ground before we could even get out of the chair, so me and hannah looked at him and he was like, "Try me" so we slowly got up and he was just like "Please dont" with the saddest voice ever. So i rolled down the hill a few times, then we went.
-He tried to get us to go to our rooms the last night too, and that didnt go so well for him. hehe. 
-So there was this really really nasty river-ish thing that went all over the grounds of the hotel and it was disgusting. It was like green and dirty and had things all in it and smelled like piss. So we were walking by it and i turned to this kid david and was like what would youdo if i pushed you in? and he said he would pull me in with him. So i just kinda kept walking. Later, i asked him again and he said the same, so i took my chances and tried to push him in. He was a fighter and it was difficult but i got him in and half of him was completely soaked with this nasty urine water. It was so gross. And all he got of me wsa the tip of my hair. So later that night i went back to appoligize and i dont remember how it h appened but he and these two other guys tried to get me in for revenge, and that didnt work ot for them. I fought so hard and i didnt fall in. In the end my legs were wraped around david, i was clinging to the rope fence thingy. i dont even know but it was very difficult. Totally worth the fight though. hehe.

Ok, my computer is very very slow so I will continue this in my next entry. Mk? MK.

current mood: wonderful

I hate being home. It always brings me down. When I was in Kentucky, I was always so fucking happy. Ask anyone. I would run around outside, play with the football with everyone, dance to no music, sing for no reason, smile constantly, catch fireflies, lay on the floor and just stare at the celing or sky or whatever was above me, jump on the trampolien, and just live life the best I could. When I'm here, everything seems so old and rutine. I always tell people I hate rutine so much but here I am, doing it, every day, the same way. I need a change. Not a little change like I thought I wanted, but something big. I need to move. I need to go somewhere where no one knows who I am. I need to start over. I am sick of everything here. It's old. I need new, new everything. I love my friends to death, more than anything in the world, but even they are starting to get to rutine. I need school to start. When school is going, I don't have time for them and they don't seem to have time for me so we never see eachother, that's why when we do get to spend time together it is so special. Now, they're always around and seeing them isn't special anymore, it doesn't mean as much to me, it is... old. I don't know. I'm in a really bad mood. Not like I'm angry or anything, I'm just sad. Being here makes me sad. Really, really sad. And hearing that somone loves me isn't going to help this time. Frankly, 'I love you', is getting rutine. It's starting to mean absolutly nothing to me. That is the one sign that I need to get out of here. Love, as most of you know, means so much to me and lately, it's become more of a word than a feeling. A word designed to make a person feel comfort and safety. It has started to disgust me, and when I am disgusted by love, something is obviously wrong. Ugh. Something is wrong and I don't know what it is. I know I am rambling here, but I dont know. All I can think of right now is 'Ugh.'

I need to throw up. I'm not sick or anything, I just feel gross. I'm gonna go throw up.

I feel so disgusting these days. Like, not fat, but not thin. Not tall, but definatly not short. I just feel like gross. I feel like people look at me and cringe, like just gross. I don't know how to explain it, but it is really not a good feeling. All of my friends are so fucking beautiful. And I'm just kinda there. I know I'm not ugly but I am nowhere near up at their level of appearance. They are all perfect. Each of them very very different but perfect and I don't fit with that. I'm sick of that too. I want to look good.

I really hate the song that is on right now, it's going to make me scream. It's 'keg in the closet' by kenny chesney. He has some good old songs, but lately his new ones are shit. I'm sick of bad music too. Country music is really kicking itself in the balls these days with some of its new stuff. It's just gross. It has no meaning, its pointless. I hate it.

Yesterday, I looked at myself in the mirror and I cried. Not kidding. I cried. I just stood there, stared at myself, and sobbed. I dont know what happened.

It's almost like no one sees me. It is getting so easy to hide how I am really feeling these days. Faking is very common lately, and I see it on other people but that might just be because I see it in myself. People ask how you are, you say fine, you mean to say I'm horrible and I just need to talk, but you know if you were to say that then the person you revealed that too would act concerned and pretend to listen then offer you some shit advice in the end that a dog could have come up with. No one listens. Some problems don't have answers. Sometimes the only answer is to just accept it and wait for it to pass. I hate when people don't realize that. But that is why I don't tell them anything. Also because I can't explain why I am feeling the way I am. So faking everything is the only way to get by without people having to pretend to care. It is especially easy to fake your way through life when people hardly notice you in it. I could walk into a room crying and no one would even turn their head. So what is the point in wasting a tear when you could strap on that fake smile to cover every other unspoken pain.

I only have to fake it when I'm here... one more reason why I need to get out.

I'm not in the mood for life right now. I'm not in the mood for smiling, laughing, talking, anything. I hate. I don't want to live right now. I don't want to die either. I just don't want to be.

I know life is not a race for anything. It isn't a race to look the best, or have sex first, or anything. But if it were, I would be dead last. I might not even finish it at the rate I'm going. I might as well not start it. I might as well...

"With my feet on the dash, the world doesnt matter..." -My phrase for kentucky. I was happy, my friends were happy, nothing else mattered.

My friends really know how to knock that good jesus feeling right out of you... (Hannah R, you probably know what I'm talking about.)

current mood: really really sad

So, as some of you may know, Derek is single again. And, as most of you knew, I was completely over him. Completely over him. Well, boys and girls, I'm not so sure about that anymore. I think, when he was going out with Lara, that I convinced myself that I no longer was infatuated by him because I knew that I could not have him and it was no use trying anymore. Now that he is single again, I can't seem to convince myself that I truely am over him anymore. To clarify just a little more, I think I have fallen for Mr. D once more. And this, boys and girls, is a very, very bad situation.We all know what happened last time, and I don't want another drama like that in my life right now. I realize now, that when you love somone for the first time, part of your heart always belongs to them, and you can never get it back. I also realize now, more than ever, that if he were to show any trace of liking me like he used to, I would let myself go and fall for him once again. It's not that I don't have any self control, believe me, I do. It's also not that I don't care about getting hurt or anything like that, it's that I can't help but love him. He could do almost anything and I would be mad or hurt, but still, I would have that little bit of nieveness in me that says, "He is really a good person, maybe one more chance." It is the same for a lot of other first love's. He was mine and always will be, and I haven't yet figured out how to let him go and probably never will. I told you all of this because I have one favor to ask of you. Please don't try to control me or anything, but if you see me heading in a direction that could end up with me crying my eyes out like I have done for him in the past, then tell me. Because I may be too caught up in thinking that he is amazing to see where I might be headed. Don't try to live my life for me, but just keep an eye on me, keep me from getting hurt too badly. I would really appreciate it. Ugh. I am really not in the mood for love right now... Oh well, Can't control who you love... "You can't always control the wind, but you can control your sails" Hmm...

Emily, I am addicted to those cd's you burned for me. Thanks so much sweety.

A quote that I read really got to me today. "Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint you can on it." That is how I want to live my life. Those are the words I have been searching for to describe what I wanted for so long. That is my perfection.

"With my feet on the dash,
the world doesn't matter..."

current mood: infinite

So, I got my hair cut today. The lady said that she would only need to take off about an inch and a half to make it look healthy. She took off a little more than that. She said she loved cutting my hair and it sure seemed like it because she just kept cutting and cutting and cutting. So now I have short hair. Yay? I really don't know what to think of it. I don't know if I can pull it off. It is really starting to worry me. Hmm... Wow, it is driving me crazy. Good thing Hannah R will see it tonight. Hopefully she likes it. Hmm...

So I am going to go play capture the flag at Hannah R's youth group. Talk to y'all later? I really miss a lot of you, even though I saw you last night. Hmm... I also miss JL, also known as Ben. He hasn't called yet, and I hope he doesn't, because we all know how good I am with guys... especially those twenty year olds... yes!

Love you
       Jayne.

current mood: great, kids!

So, I guess I'm home. It's kind of weird. I have been living with such a close group of people for the last 12 days having the best time of my life, and now, it's over... I don't really know how to take it all in. I guess I missed everyone in some way or another, but honestly, it was nice to get away from everything. I know there was no big drama before I left, but I just needed a break from everything. Kyle was talking one night about how somone asked him why we had to go somewhere in Kentucky to do service work when there was more than enough to do here in Austin. Kyle's response was something along the lines of: Sure we could stay in Austin and make things better, but that wouldn't change us as people. For us to truely accept and understand the whole of the service we are doing, we have to be taken out of our comfort zones, taken away from family and friends, taken away from our place and put in a whole new environment to be able to let go of everything and concentrate on what we are doing. I really liked that because I hadn't really taken much time to even consider why we drive 2500 miles away from Austin to do work that could be done 20 minutes from where I live. When Kyle was saying all of that, it made me start thinking about why I enjoyed being that far away from everything I know and everyone I loved and I realized that the answer is basicly the same as it is for the other question. It is that I have to be taken that far out of my comfort zone and away from the life that lives me, to truely understand who I am. And to tell you the truth, it helped. I feel so much more content with myself than i have in a very long time. I'm happy just because. And it's nice.

So usually when I go on these church trips I bond with one or two people and maybe a few from another church but on this trip I was amazed with how many people I grew close to. I literally had a moment with every single person from my church and a few from the Louisiana group. I'll tell you about my moments with everyone later.

Wow I'm suddenly filled with exhaustion so I'm gonna go straighten my hair. It's been wavy for two weeks and I think it's a new record. Hmm...

Missed you, Love Jayne

current mood: pretty content with myself

So, tomorrow morning at 5:30 in the AM, I will be on my way with some of the most fun people in the world to Kentucky. That still sounds weird to me. I'm not ready to go on ASP. I like thing's in my life just they way they are. Thing's are good. I don't want to run off and risk messing something up. I don't want to realize anything, experience anything, or have anything happen at all that might change things. I don't want change! Well anyways, even though I am not completely ready, I know that it is still going to be totally amazing and Oh-so-much fun! I need to be confident on this trip. I need to be.

If any of you cuties want to write to me while I'm there, this is the address:

Jayne Halford c/o FUMC/Austin Group ASP
Knox County Center General Delivery
Barbourville, KY 40906

I think that is right. I hope so at least. And Tessa, my love, I am totally going to write to you! (I would write to other people, but her's is the only address I know, hehe.)

I love you all so much and can't wait to come  back and see your smiling faces! I am going to miss you all so much. I can't wait for our dinner party! It is going to ball so hard! Why are we so cool, kids? I don't even know.

"My Real Name"
Today my name is colorful.
Yesterday my name was dead souls.
Tomorrow my name will be lively spirits.
My friends think my name is fire.
The police think my name is burden.
My parents think my name is symphony.
Secretly I know my name is anything
I want it to be.
-Elena Noel.... I read that in the book I'm reading, and I feel in love with it.

Sweet dreams everybody, I'll see you in 12 days... Have a great 4th of July, because I don't get to have one...

current mood: thoughtful

I know this is totally random, but I was flipping through some papers trying to find a good quote to put on my ASP box, and i came across a page with this written and it just made me start cracking up. "I heard his penis was crooked." "Crooked??" "Yeah, like boomerang crooked!" "OMG ew."....."U-turn crooked!"..... " 'Have you ever slammed your dick in a car door?' 'WOAH! Gotta go!' "    HAHA That was with Hannah O on the phone one night. I loved it. Mk, y'all have a good day.

current mood: good

Sometimes, a night out with the girls is just what you need...

I'm happy. Truly happy. I love you. And I'm happy. I'm happy that you're happy. I'm happy that I'm going out of town for almost two weeks. I'm happy I'll be with my church for two weeks. I'm happy I'm alive. I'm happy happy happy. Thankful too. Very thankful. And this time that I'm happy, and this time that everything is perfect, it isn't because I'm head over heels for a guy. It's that I'm head over heels for the amazing feeling, for the honest smiles, for the innocient laughter, for the spectacular memories! I'M FUCKING HAPPY!!! And it feels nice, too...

" 'I love the sky. It's so limitless.' 'It is big. It's very big.' 'Big doesn't even sum it up, right? That word, big, is so small.' "   -What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

"...I finally realized, we turned out all right, and we spent the night just catching up and dancing, and life happened..."

Welcome to life... Isn't it WONDERFUL?

current mood: AMAZING...

"I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best kind of love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you.".... I think I'm over him....Really. It's nice...

Every once in a while, when you have lost all hope in the world, it's nice to be told... that you're beautiful...

I'm not afraid anymore...

...This... this is the sound of settling.

current mood: content for now